I often feel stuck. Stuck in a place, a state of mind, a routine, or a cycle of dreaming. I drown in my stuckness.
In reading through journal entries from the past year I discovered that the things I am doing now and the things I dream about, were also the things I was dreaming about a year ago. In my imagination I hop from thing to thing and never accomplish anything. That is only partly true. I am not accomplishing much. But I am surprisingly consistent in the big picture.
So if the problem is not what I am doing what is the problem? Why do I feel a sense of discontent? Why am I always searching for something that will make me happy and whole? Why am I stuck?
Well, it turns out the answer is really quite simple. I have been leaning on my own limited understanding of what needs to be done to solve the problem. I get a knot in my stomach and worry that I am making the wrong decision and that leads to doing nothing so that the knot will go away. The problem is not solved but I feel better for the moment.
By trusting myself more than I trust God I am pinching myself off from the vastness of His blessings. I want to know that I am on the right path but I don’t stop to listen, submit, trust, follow, and give thanks. Is it any wonder I am a spinning around in circles?
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
The life I want is a simple one. I don’t desire wealth or possessions, I don’t desire power or position. I desire to live simply with God and feel the peace that passes all understanding. To live humbly and honorably. But right now my path seems like a child’s scribbling on paper…wild and confused with stops and starts going nowhere at all.
Thankfully the solution is simple and there is a straight path for me, I just need to listen and follow.